Life; Sometimes you gotta go headfirst with your eyes closed!

The past four days have been so awesome, and have me feeling pretty good.  Sunday, the family and I headed to East Charlotte to go to Great Wolf Lodge, a family friendly indoor/outdoor waterpark. We stayed till mid afternoon Tuesday, and hands down, had the absolute best family vacation we've had to date. The room we stayed in had a themed kids area called the wolf den, that had bunk beds, fantastic murals, and their very own TV- which in our family is a REALLY big deal- we're a one TV household, a seeming rarity today, so to get their own for three days was second only to the bunk beds themselves.  The Waterpark was likewise a kids' dream come true, and fun for the adults too!

   There was also a interactive fantasy game called Magi-quest that is basically a scavenger hunt all over the building which provided an interesting platform for seeing the differences and similarities in our two girls' personalities...Zoe decided on the character name Princess Rose- while Abby chose Dandelion Slayler- LOL...No real surprises there, nor were there any in their respective levels of enthusiasm regarding game play.  Abby, ever intense and goal directed (usually overly so) was going to stop at nothing to complete all the quests so she could release her inner agression and slay the Dragon- thereby completeing the ultimate and final quest. Zoe on the other hand, is ever practical and Logic minded, and her better sense told her that all this running around, up and down the stairs chasing after pretend something or the other's was a waste of time better spent swimming and playing in the water park or just chilling out in front of the TV.  In an interesting turn of events, as personality wise it's generally the other way around, I'd have to say I sided with Zoe on this one, while Rick was on par with Abby. Normally, I'd be the one running around all over the place while Zoe and Rick chilled in the room.. In the end, Abby couldn't fight the dragon, as it required the completion of more quests, but fortunately for her, all her hard work is saved and she can pick up where she left off last time.

We all just had an excellent time, the whole time, and watched both girls step outside their comfort zones and try out some new things.  At first Abby didn't want to ride anything, but after day one of surveying the lay of the land, she was ready to go. There were some huge slides, that were a bit scary, even for us adults, and they came off saying again, again, again!!  Both of them have been taking private swimming lessons, and it was obviously paying off....They were both exploring the deeper end of the pools- well over their heads a little at least- and doing so well.  It was just so cool to watch them! We learned some valuable lessons while there too; at one point, abby got a bit overconfident, and got tired in over her head water, and though she never went under, she was stuck mentally and kinda freaked instead of coming on towards the side and the lifeguard jumped in after her! I was just about to jump in after her, but he beat me to the chase... Afterwards, she was of course upset, but said she was only upset because she wanted me to rescue her, not the lifeguard, lol... That funny little girl! I must say I'm honored though ;)...

Anyways, enough specifics, I think it's obvious we had a great time.  Today, we just kinda kicked back and did whatever. Slept in a bit and I didn't really push the girls to do anything in particular because I knew we were all exhausted from all that playing we did on vacation.  So I had a lot of thinking time, and did most of it while working in my flower gardens, as that's where I do my best thinking.  The main thing that stood out to me was how much we can learn from children if we're willing to slow down from our busy adult lives, savor the moments we have with them, and allow them to teach us. My girls inspire me to be braver, stronger, kinder and more mannerly than I think I would otherwise be. I know they are watching me constantly and learning from what they see.  I want them to be strong, courageous, self actualized women, and therefore I have to be too.  Of course I'm not perfect, but when I falter, I am ever vigilant to make ammends- to appologize, admit the nature of my wrongs, and ask for forgiveness, because this is what I want them to do. 

Another related thought comes to mind here, that in order to live life to the fullest we have to step outside our comfort zone and take calculated risks. I keep replaying a moment from the vacation when zoe wanted to go on this racing slide, and I knew from watching others do it, I was not going to enjoy it one bit...you had to lay on your belly on this mat, and go head first down this slide; Oh my lord help me.. but I did it anyway, because she told me I was brave enough! That made me feel so good inside! She even told me she was proud of me when we were done! That child has such a big heart and now I'm braver for walking through that experience... I was right, that I didn't enjoy it, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be! When I told her why I didn't like it, because of all the water splashing in my face,  she replied, well, I just closed my eyes, and it was SO fun!  That was such a foreign concept to me, but at the same time not. Of course I closed my eyes to keep all that water out, but that was precisely what I didn't like about it... By closing my eyes, I had to give up control of that situation- I couldn't see what lay before me, and, despite seeing kids 30 some odd years younger than me coming off that slide very much alive- with the look of extreme joy plastered from ear to ear,  I had a hard time trusting I was gonna be ok!
     Of course, there are much bigger risks and decisions to be made in life than deciding whether to go head first down a waterslide, but at the same time It provides a great analogy... The way I see it, we have three basic choices in life...We can let fear rule our lives, and attempt to "know" everything ahead of time, trying to control every little thing; we can dive head first into everything never considering the consequences of our actions for ourselves and others;  or  we can live with a strong faith that tomorrow will be good if  today is lived well and in peace. From my life experiences to date, the later of these provides a kind of balance point between these two, and considering this the basis for decision making comes down to what will bring me the most peace both now and in the future?  When I look back on my life in twenty years, what will bring me the most peace, having hid behind the curtain- taking the easy path by sitting idly by- waiting for all the pieces to fall into place, or taking the more difficult but more fulfilling path of living by actively making decisions for my life based on the information I can now right now in this moment.

  This weekend served as the perfect reminder of how it is that I want to live my life, so that when I do look back in twenty years I'll be pleased with what I see.  Children are so innocent; they live for the moment because, in my opinion, haven't yet had to experience all the curve balls life deals, that can, if we let them, lead us adults to  want to hold on and to control our world.  I constantly bear witness to the two extremes with my two kids. I've got one who is overly controlled and anxious, and another who is often carefree, often to her detriment, and I can see myself, at different stages of my life in both of them, and still go to these extremes too.  Zoe encouraging me to go down that slide presented me with an opportunity to just let go of the outcome, get out of myself, walk through my fear and make a decision based on the information I had, and to role model taking chances. Before I went on that silly slide, I had a pretty good idea I wasn't gonna like it, but I couldn't know for sure- heck, maybe I will like it, so I'll take a calculated risk and try it- oh and pray real hard the whole way down, lol. After I went, my instinct was confirmed, but I don't regret doing it. because I was armed with more information than I would've had had I just stayed in my fear, and could therefore, make a more educated decision about what it is that didn't work for me.

The lesson here for me was this, that to live life to it's fullest, sometimes you just gotta go headfirst with your eyes closed!!!
Alright, I've written a book now, so it's off to bed I go, I'll add some relevant quotes tomorrow!


Denise

Summertime with Special Needs Kids... Oh boy...

   Hi. Today is officially the first day of summer break in our house, and therefore, a chaotic time for us. Like all mom's, I long for the lazy mornings summer brings; those days when, in general, you don't have to be up at a certain time or go through the whole "riggamaro" of the school schedule. Today it seemed to get off to a great start. Rick fixed the girls breakfast before he left for work, and then set them up with a show, and they left me to sleep in peace until almost 9:00.  Upon awakening though, I was quickly reminded that,  in my house,  because I have two special needs kids who thrive on schedules and structures, that even if they can get their own snacks, drinks, etc., and can entertain themselves for an extra hour while I sleep in, sleeping in is not going to work... It's not going to work, because they have additional needs that neuro-typical kids do not- they need that structure and organization to their morning to start their day off right, they need to know when mommy will be up, when it's tv time, when it's freetime, naptime, etc.- you get the picture.  On top of all, they ideally need lots of mentally "organizing" activities- movement that works the large muscles of their body to get it communicating with their brains. 

    So I'm feeling very disheartened, as well as frustrated with myself that I continually try to trick myself into thinking that somehow, today, things will be better- that their sensory issue won't get in their way, or that the anxiety of not knowing exactly what the summer will bring will not be there... I'm disheartened because I'm dreading summer, and I WANT, more than anything, to enjoy it with my girls. The truth is though, that that schedule creation and adherence falls on me, and I don't feel like I have any energy left to give to it... I need a break, and it's only the first day of summer... how are we going to make it three months, I think.  

    This brings me to having hope, and how it can be a great thing, but also a frustrating thing.  I think that few would argue that hope is a good thing to have, it's a key element of and intricately laced in with faith that  keeps us going in the tough times... without hope for a brighter day, we would have no faith, because their would be nothing to be faithful in, and without faith, we wouldn't have any hope... Hope however, is frustrating at the same time, because, if we are not careful, it can also lead us blindly into thinking too postively or unrealistically about situations. False hope I guess they call it....

     I have such strong faith, and truly believe that a day will come when my children's needs are not so in the forefront and so dependent on me... But I worry sometimes, on days like today when my false hope has been shattered, that that is never going to happen. This opens up a host of feelings, sadness, bitterness, anger, etc. that are all counterproductive to living with deep seated faith that things can be better.  For things to be better, though, I have to do my part, and today, I don't want to... I want everything to be easier... For Zoe to be more "present" and "engaged,"  for Abby's emotional meltdowns to stop, for her to follow directions, for her mood to be stable. Self admittedly, I'm feeling sorry for myself today- God dang it, I just want a more typical life, God, Why me?  I have a hard enough time managing my own moods and mental clarity, much less making schedules and sticking to them...

    Sorry for the somber mood, but that's sort of the purpose of this... to gain clarity and insight into what the true issue at hand is through writing. The writing slows my thought processes, allowing me to stop ruminating on the negative, and identify what's really going on inside... what my true feelings are. Someone once said to me that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.. and i guess I sorta feel like that's where we're at with Abby at least... With Zoe, maybe I'm remembering wrong, but it never seemed like such a struggle to find methods of teaching and discipline that worked for her.  Although rule bound to a large degree, she's also very logical, and so if you can give her a logical reason why a particular pattern or rule needs to be changed, or can help her logic it out, she's generally good. She's also much more controlled (less impulsive) and predicatable behaviorally, and because she's rule bound, if she knows a rule, she's gonna follow it for the most part. We also got answers as to what was going on with her fairly quickly which helped, because we could read books, etc.  

     

With Abby, though, it feels like were banging our heads against the wall.  Seems everything we try backfires....and we keep trying it because that's all we know to do... and all we've been told to do...it's looking like she's likely bi-polar, but we haven't found any really good info yet, or methods that work. Her moods change on a dime, she's explosive, impulsive, and down right strange sometimes... Then there's this sweet kind, gentle, playful girl that shows up sometimes for weeks at a time. We just came off three really good weeks with her... Which is something to celebrate, because that's the longest stable mood she's had... Problem is though, that there was nothing tangible we could connect to that allowed that to happen. I'm ready for answers with her, it scares me to not know what's happening, or even having atleast some vague idea what her future will be...

   I think sometimes I get to that place of false hope because I'm so scared of what's ahead of me, of the not knowing, I become paralyzed by that fear, which makes me be more selfish,  disables solution focused thinking and taking action to prevent problems rather than addressing them retroactively. In the end, it really doesn't matter what the future holds. It's important, but not AS important as functioning well today. Today's post was sorta of somber, but  don't be discouraged or worried by it... When I take a step back  and remove my own selfish desires from the picture, I know that God has a larger purpose in mind in allowing me to experience this life. Or atleast that is what I'm choosing to believe so that I can regain faith that my summer is not doomed, we will in fact get our act together and have fun- it is only the first day of summer after all- I should give myself a break! I can have this faith and hope, because I love my girls no matter what, I love myself no matter what, and I know we all falter sometimes... The key to the happy life, at least for me, is remembering to think about the progress we HAVE made, and boy is it alot! We've come a really long way, even with Abby.  Change doesn't happen overnight, and definitely involves hard work!

    

     I close this by saying that I am eternally grateful that, despite frequent bouts of doubt regarding my ability to handle all this, God sees me fit to raise two beautiful, unique and precious girls, and to assist him in helping them reach their fullest potential!  I also leave with a question for all of you:  How do Hope and false Hope mainifest in your lives, particularly for, but by no means limited to,  those of you with special needs kids.

Thoughts for the day:

-"I didn't have to scramble up and down the ladder from despair to euphoria anymore, trying to convince myself that life was either painful and terrible or joyous and wonderful. The simple truth was that life was both. p 214"
— Melody Beattie (The Lessons of Love: Rediscovering Our Passion for Life When It All Seems Too Hard to Take) 

-"Like it or not, i was already learning that in the worst and darkest time, I would find specks of light, moments of joy. What I didn't want to learn was the other, harsher lesson - that in life's brightest moments there would also be unbearable pain. p 87"
— Melody Beattie (The Lessons of Love: Rediscovering Our Passion for Life When It All Seems Too Hard to Take)

- I pray for faith that my future will be good if I live today well, and in peace. I will remember that staying in the present is the best thing I can do for my future. I will focus on what's happening now instead of what's going to happen tomorrow. 

___From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

Today is the first day of the rest of your life... so live with no regrets

    Well, it's Saturday, June 4, 2011, and here I am starting a blog. My name is Emily Denise Garnett, I'm 36 years old, am married to Rick, and have two daughters- Abby (age 5) and Zoe (age 8), and  I'm pursuing a Master's degree in Marriage and Family counseling through Capella University.  This is something I've been wanting to do for awhile and for various reasons that will be explained shortly. You must know from the outset however, that I have a terrible tendency to start these sorts of things, and then kinda fall off the wagon... so don't be too dissappointed  if you get interested in my life and then I suddenly disappear, lol, I'll likely show back up- it just may be awhile. 

   At this point, I have some ideas about how I want to strucutre this blog, but I'm not going to make it anything real formal... I am terribly perfectionistic when it comes to things like this, and feel I need to "fly by the seat of my pants" with this as a therapeutic endeavor of sorts. That said, I'm mostly going to just try to write whenever the feeling hits me about whatever is on my mind at that particular moment. The only thing I plan to do diligently- plan being the key word here, lol, is end each blog session with a relevant quote or two. Please share any awesome ones you may have, as I'm always game for acquiring new ones to ponder about and add to my collection.

   I've been on the planet now for 36 years, and there are alot of moments I wish I had physically logged, but at the same time, my general motto in life, and hence the name of this musing, is to , in general,  live with no regrets, and that with faith, hope and love, anything is possible. Hence, instead of living with that regret, today, by starting this blog, I'm turning over a new leaf, and doing something about it, so that atleast I can say I tried.  If I fall off the wagon, it's o.k.- i can run along till I catch up- which I usually do :).  This, I suppose, is my  primary reason for wanting to do this; just to have some sort of documentation of my life as I see it- to look back on and share with future generations (if they are interested) when I'm old and gray. We live in such a busy world today, and I sometimes get this feeling like I'm moving so fast through life that I have no time to really reflect on it, much less absorb any lessons that emerge from those reflections. That's  not to say I'm not a deep thinker though- I am, but all my thoughts tend to clutter my brain, so I figure maybe if I log them here, it will free up some space upstairs, if you know what I mean. 

     I've recently realized, some on my own, and some through discussions with my therapist, how much I'm being changed  both through my schooling process, and raising special needs children, and I want to document those thoughts and feelings while their fresh on my my mind.  I want to document all "a-ha" moments in my life, the things my kids are learning and doing, the things I'm learning and doing.  School is definitely hard work, but has broadened my mind exponentially, my heart is in it, I know where I'm headed and like the looks of it. When I think about my kiddos, my heart swells with absolute joy to see them maturing so well.  As many of you already know, Zoe has Asperger's Syndrome/High funcitoning Autism, and Abby also struggles with some similar, but yet to be pinned down mental health issues; it definitely has been/and continues to be a roller-coaster ride raising them, but we are continually gaining ground, even if we have to take one step back sometimes...My faith has brought me to this point, so I look forward to the days that come, and though worry does creep in sometimes, I refuse to let it take root in my soul. 

   

    Reason 3 for this blog is that I find myself at a place in life where I'm pretty disgruntled with the state of the world right now.... Why is war necessary?;why are people not more grateful (in general)- people complain and get up in arms over the smallest things it seems, and can just be downright ugly- to their kids, their spouses, the cashier, etc.; why can't we all just hold hands and get along, lol ? <- and I'm only half joking here. I'm such a zealous, happy, optimistic person in general, that I have a hard time with negativity and violence...Now, changing the entire world, though I'd like to- as I have been known to be somewhat controlling- lol, is something I'm aware I cannot do... but I'm committed to at-least doing my part- a topic we'll discuss in depth at some point I hope. So reason 3 then is to vent these frustrations, connect with others who may have the same ones, and share my experience, strength and hope in how I attempt to deal with all the things I can't control, and learn how others try to let these things go.  In short, I guess my way of dealing with all this hatefullness, is by attempting, in both my personal and future professional life,  to be a light shining in the dark that  guide others towards what I feel is a more fulfilling, meaningful, and joyful path.

I Guess that will be about all for today, and so I'll close with some quotes by some leading ladies of history that sum up my point of view on life  pretty well, and seem relevant to today's musings.

 "Surely, in the light of history, it is more intelligent to hope than to fear, to try rather than to not try. For one thing we know beyond all doubt; Nothing has ever been achieved by the person who says it can't be done"  

  "you have to believe in your abilities and be tough enough to follow through"- Eleanor Roosevelt

"I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship"- Emily Dickinson